From Jack Knox in the Times-Colonist today. He really knows how to write humour. What a great way to start my day!
One week down, 51 to go. Let’s peer into the crystal ball and see what 2010 has in store for us:
Jan. 1 — B.C.’s ban on driving while using handheld devices begins.
Jan. 10 — Saanich police report 17 rear-enders caused by drivers surreptitiously texting between their knees.
Feb. 12 — Olympic cauldron is lit.
Feb. 13 — Olympic cauldron is doused by billiondollar 2010 Games security team. Biathletes are disarmed, forced to throw snowballs instead. Figure skaters made to go barefoot. Barack Obama pays surprise visit to Vancouver, is repeatedly waterboarded “just in case.” Global media dub Whistler “Guantanamo North.”
Feb. 22 — Guinness World Records verifies that Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women. Tiger Woods reclaims amateur status. Jon Gosselin applies for sainthood.
Feb. 28 — Economy collapses. So does the government. Dollar falls and can’t get up. Pine beetle crosses Rockies, develops a taste for wheat. Floods, plague, pestilence, famine, fire, unemployment, drought sweep across nation. Canadian men win Olympic hockey gold. Nation erupts in joy. It’s the best day ever.
or Economy rebounds. Dollar soars like Eddie the Eagle. Pine beetle turns out to be Asian delicacy, sells for $45 a gram. Canada tops Olympic medal standings, but fails to make men’s hockey final, in which U.S. beats Russia 5-3. Nation put on suicide watch. It’s the worst day ever.
March 1 — Prime Minister Stephen Harper dies tragically while attempting to tell a joke.
March 4 — Harper prorogues his own burial, defends decision as “fairly standard procedure.”
March 24 — Tourism Victoria’s annual flower count tallies a record 16 billion. Wait, no, that’s the homeless count.
April 18 — Stephen “Piano Man” Harper wins posthumous Juno for Best New Artist. Ottawa restores federal arts funding.
May 23 — Polar ice cap melts. Inuit take up water skiing. “Jury still out on climate change,” says Canadian government.
June 15 — Earthquake flattens Victoria. Blue bridge is all that’s left standing.
July 1 — B.C. implements HST, angering voters and pushing up cost of items previously exempt from seven per cent provincial sales tax. “If it’s my political funeral, so be it,” says Gordon Campbell.
July 2 — HST adds seven per cent to cost of political funeral.
Aug. 11 — China overtakes Japan as world’s second largest economy. Walmart remains No. 1.
Aug. 23 — Salmon all gone, replaced by mackerel and other warm-water fish. Tofino surfers throw away wetsuits, but are killed by piranhas. “Jury still out on climate change,” says Canadian government.
Sept. 18 — Facebook membership surpasses global population. They all had toast for breakfast, just in case you were dying to know.
Sept. 26 — Locusts wipe out Prairie crops. B.C. forests burn. Hurricanes batter Atlantic Canada. TV meteorologists ditch Environment Canada forecast, read straight from Old Testament instead. “Jury still out on climate change,” says Canadian government.
Oct. 8 — Underwear Bomber scare leads to installation of full-body scanner at Victoria International Airport. Bad news: It’s more Big Brother technology. Good news: Big Brother finds your car keys.
Nov. 19 — Terrorists are caught boarding No. 50 Goldstream bus in Langford. Incident leads to installation of full-body scanners by B.C. Transit, which also tells passengers to leave carry-on baggage at home and arrive three hours early for buses.
Nov. 24 — Oops, the CRD blew the math. Property-tax bills for new sewage system will average $15,000 annually. Residents riot in the streets, except in Uplands, where they hire people from Langford to riot for them.
Dec. 12 — Manitoba mosquitoes spread malaria — in winter. Rideau Canal boils. Mounties trade stetsons for French Foreign Legion kepis.
Saanich Peninsula farmers replace broccoli with coffee plants. “Jury still out on climate change,” says Canadian government, moments before Ottawa is consumed by fire and brimstone from above.
Times Colonist Digital
