One marriage that will not be made in Heaven
By Jack Knox, Times Colonist May 1, 2011
THE ROYAL WEDDING, CANADIAN STYLE:
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to join together Canada and some combination of Stephen, Iggy, Jack, Gilles and Elizabeth in holy matrimony.
Into this holy estate these 34 million persons present now come to be wed. If anyone can show any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. KEEP YOUR CAKEHOLE SHUT, DUCEPPE!
Canada, do you take Stephen/Iggy/Jack/Gilles/ Elizabeth to be your prime minister? Will you love, honour and comfort him -PUT YOUR HAND DOWN, MAY, THIS IS A BOYS' CLUB -and forsaking all others, keep only him -LAYTON, IGNATIEFF, STOP MAKING GOOGLY EYES AT EACH OTHER -for as long as you both shall live, or at least until the best-before date expires on the milk, by which time the latest minority government should have collapsed like a 13-year-old at a Justin Bieber concert? (You don't have to say anything, Canada, just mark an X on the ballot.)
The rest of you repeat after me: I, Stephen/Iggy/ Jack/Gilles/Elizabeth, take you, Canada, to be my lawfully wedded taxpayer, to have and to hold upside down over the trough from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for non-Albertan, in sickness and in health -YES YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE DOCTOR, HARPER! -to love and to cherish (even the one who don't vote for me) till scandal do us part.
And while you're all standing here, candidates, Canada has pencilled a few more vows into the order of service. Think of them as a prime ministerial bucket list. Repeat after me:
Having learned the other official language, I promise to engage in further crosscultural exercises.
I, Elizabeth, will help Lake Cowichan loggers cut down a tree -YES, IT HAS TO BE A LIVE ONE THIS TIME -on The Rick Mercer Report.
I, Michael, will unfurl my unibrow, shotgun a Lucky -NO, IT CAN'T BE COGNAC -down by the railroad tracks and describe the experience in words of fewer than four syllables.
I, Gilles, will paint a maple leaf on my face -NO, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERMANENT -and cheer for the Canucks in the Langford Legion (remember to take off your toque).
I, Jack, will just quietly pay the $1.50 fee at the ATM on Bay Street -NO, YOU CAN'T RENAME IT TOMMY DOUGLAS PROSPEKT -without saying anything that will make the TSE drop 500 points.
I, Stephen, will leave my protective bubble -QUICK, GET A PAPER BAG, HE'S HYPERVENTILATING -and stop looking at Canadians as though I had just caught them farting in an elevator.
And altogether now: I promise to remember that I serve Canadians, not the other way around.
I promise to remember it's their money, not mine.
I promise to never again litter public property with campaign signs.
I promise to never again run an attack ad stating "Michael Ignatieff is back in Canada, and this time he wants to deflower your daughter," or "Jack Layton reads the French side of the cereal box, not like real Canadians" or "Stephen Harper has a hidden agenda that he keeps with Obama's Soviet birth certificate."
I promise that Winnipeg will finally see the return of a National Hockey League team next season. Ditto for Quebec City. And Toronto.
I promise to reinstate the death penalty, but only for those who throw cigarette butts out the car window or abuse the 10-items-or-less rule at the express line in the grocery store (OK, maybe this one's a personal addition).
Above all, I promise to remember that I am a prime minister -the first among equals -not a king. One monarchy is enough.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you country and prime minister. What the voters hath joined together, let no man put asunder, at least for the next six weeks or so, unless you all choose to co-operate. You may now kiss the campaign goodbye."
jknox@timescolonist.com
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